Failure to communicate

I think of myself as a communicator. It's what I've done as a profession for quite some time. But it's also how I've thought of myself as a person. More and more, I realize if that's true at all, it's done impersonally.

This may be true for anyone who likes to write. I have put almost too-intimate moments into print. I've put even more revealing comments down on paper. But in a growing amount, I realize that I require that buffer of time and place to be truly honest. I do not do it looking into anyone's eyes.

I have an urge to blame it on the times. It feels like there's a growing amount of carefulness, almost personal distrust, in human relations and therefore communication. It seems easy to blame it on technology, how it's easier to write an email than phone someone, how it seems so much safer to blog than talk.

I have another urge to blame it on me. It has taken a conscious effort to be open with others, to gamble on that potential rejection. It's an effort I most often put on the backburner. I also gravitate toward people who might not be able to handle, may not deserve, that personal investment that is communicating truth. I choose who might be available to listen to me with a methodology that ensures they won't be worthy of emotionally honesty. My escape, excuse, is there's no one there.

A friend of mine who lives far away has been communicating with me about suppressing emotions. We both often refuse to acknowledge our own emotions and shuffle them to the back of our consciousness until they can no longer stay bottled up and raw undefined emotion comes roaring out in a irrational torrent. (By the way, staying in our safe zones, we've discussed that in succinct emails).

I created this blog with an original premise of I had things I not just wanted to say, but had to say. As time has progressed, I've found it more and more difficult to stand up and speak. It's like this anonymous blog has become too close and I'm afraid to speak with it honestly.

I think I'll continue to use this arena to focus and organize my thoughts and feelings. But I think I need to also look into the eyes of people around me and try and read if they can talk. Because this method is effective but inhuman. It's not really communicating. It's not talking with, it's talking at.

It's too safe.