Breaking it down

As a writer, I'm a collector of fragments. Sometimes, I sit down and just spew. But other times I'll collect a few words or phrases that I like the way they go together. Or I'll throw down a few lines that try to capture an emotion I can't quite get my hands around at that time.

When I hit that spot where I emotionally crave to write, but can't quite get anything useful out, I'll sometimes visit my fragment graveyard and try to dig up old stuff. And it can be truly old stuff.

For instance, I was pushing through some old papers recently and came upon an aborted attempt that I recognized immediately. It was a girl who could never quite commit, who always tried to always keep me from investing too much in our time together and always seemed to have a guarding hand over her heart and an eye on the door. But I couldn't identify the feeling that was she and me those years ago when I threw down a few lines and saw them just peter out as I got lost.

I thought maybe I knew myself a little better now, maybe had a better perspective on everything. So I began to try. But just couldn't find it. With years of distance and hard lessons learned, still I couldn't get the feeling. I could get the situational description, but just no feeling that made it alive.

In the background, I heard two girls talking. They were in the early 20s and they were trying to understand why not only the boys they cared about acted the way they did, but why they themselves took the actions they did. They used examples, "he does this" and "I keep doing that." They knew both genders felt, but couldn't see it reflected correctly in the actions. I had to see the parallels in what both they and I were wrestling.

I thought maybe I'm looking from the wrong angle. And that was what I tried. Instead of remembering my experience and looking for my feeling, I turned the tables and looked at it from the female viewpoint. I found all the same actions fit exactly, but it was easier to put them in emotional context. I couldn't find the feeling in it until I tried to describe someone else's feeling instead of summon up my own.

Sometimes the fragments have to be broken just one more time before you see how they really fit together.