Who you dance with

A little less than a week ago, I wrote something simply too dark to post here, as indicated by its title "Embrace the Insanity."

It was really Rickie talking to himself about just letting the demon in his head that he'd learn to manage go. To take a break from what can be the exhausting ongoing chore of control. To just be.

Of course, if I wrote it, I tried it. And I still can't process the result.

Without picking and choosing, I went down unexpected trails. I had to react on my feet instead of using experience. I felt the rush of adventure and maybe the fear of not knowing next. Even as the visceral part of me knew it was in situations it craved because they were unknown, the observer part of me was in the corner reviewing.

For almost all my life, I've kept Observer in the corner. He never forgets, he always comes around later to speak up, sometimes to even say "I've told you so before and will again." But he had to be second to Visceral.

I don't believe in regret. It's all about choices and consequences to me. Visceral was sort of a given choice every time. Observer was the expressor of the consequences. But they went in that order.

Except on the holiday I'd deemed for insanity embrace. The demon began to dance. He worked up a decent sweat. Visceral was in his prime. And Observer spoke up. Maybe it's better to say he expressed. It was almost as if he was just at the side shaking his head and taking notes for the consequences symposium.

I listened. I didn't really want to. In honesty, I'd covered my ears throughout the evening. But at a critical juncture, at the crossroads, I saw Observer's eyes. In there, I didn't see a need to control, but concern. Not concern that would reject me or even be disappointed, just concern that what I wanted wasn't what was happening. It wasn't happening with me, but to me.

I asked Visceral to take a seat. He argued, he even struggled some. And he's strong. But I told him it had to happen.

Observer didn't congratulate me. To this point, he hasn't really spoken up on what happened and the whys. But he also didn't have to note consequences.

I think I did embrace the insanity. The thing is, there's a chance the insanity has changed.