Friends II

Circumstance has led to the need for an addendum to the previous post because a new question has arisen. How forgiving should you be as a friend?

The reality - there is someone who I really what to be my friend, and believe we have been friends. But there has been a lot taken for granted. Repeated failures to follow through on agreements and promises. A belief that a basic apology or profession of feelings makes it all okay. So, I very likely put a knife in the friendship this weekend.

Of course, I feel guilty and sad. I'm too focused on my limited friendships to be casual about losing one. But there comes a point when you must have self respect.

A friendship is a two-way street. Both people have to invest. Each has to treat the other as valuable and worthwhile. It requires time. It requires dedication. You cannot expect a friendship to be self-sustaining. It needs nurturing.

I have friendships that have endured for decades although the interaction between myself and the friend may have gaps of months or even years. But they were each established long ago over long periods of more work. They have a foundation.

But for newer ones, I believe they need time spent together. Friendship grows or withers with interaction. Because within that interaction you see proof of trust, connection and mutual respect. The two prove they value one another by what they do, not what they say.

I have been told I'm too rigid and I'm unrealistic about friendship. Some came to that conclusion from experience, and I agree with them. There have been times in my evolution where I spent more time telling everyone to constantly prove it than actually looking at the reality. I hope I've remedied that somewhat, and believe the proof it's better is in the fact some who fed me my medicine have come back around as friends.

But I still have a line I have to draw. I'm one who does not allow myself to be taken advantage of for very long. I know it limits my friendships. But it also makes the ones I have real. I used to honestly believe one strike and you're out. But as my own foibles became so much more apparent, I've come to realize so many factors can cause a friend to fail you now and then. Circumstance, maturity and humanity can cause my friends to fail.

Yet I still must have a limit. I believe it makes me more valuable as a friend. It maintains my self respect. And it expresses my expectations, which allows people to choose to meet them or not.

I can forgive. Even more than once. But not forever.