I am a coward

About four months ago, I took an emotional blow. It wasn't a surprise, had been building for months prior. No one else could be blamed either, I pretty much pulled the trigger myself.
Although I knew I needed to take the shot, I also knew it would hurt more than usual. Because it grew out of a time I made myself vulnerable and I lost.
So I made a conscious decision, something I call The Pretender. It comes from a Jackson Brown song in which he vows to just go to work in the morning, get up each day and live an emotional base life. I decided I would put all my energies into such a state, not review how I felt in either my mind or in written words.
I resigned from the world of writing on purpose. Because it makes me think about why I feel what I do, and I simply didn't want to shoulder that. I really thought it best. I probably thought I would wallow otherwise.
Ah, how those who think they know so much lie to themselves so easily.
I managed to honor my vow for quite some time. Even if I got the urge, I told myself to be strong. I needed to let my emotions find an even keel before we tangled face to face.
It's something I've done thousands of times in my life. The outcome is always the same. The emotions are still there. They don't settle, but seethe. I just try to kill them. In the process, I slowly kill myself.
But somewhere inside that seems better than fighting the battle I know is there. It is the worst kind of cowardice. It is internal cowardice. I'm not doing the rational thing. I'm giving in to fear.
I still haven't faced the exact situation that made me take such a radical step of self denial. That's a type of action I thought I had learned to overcome, and hadn't taken in about a decade. At least I admit there's a ghost lurking out there. Maybe that's progress. But I still haven't sat down with my own words and let them tell me how I honestly feel about it. And I still too often reach out for potions and powders to see if they'll salve the wound I haven't even located.
I've been pondering writing this for weeks. It's not a confrontation. It's kind of sneaking up on what I somewhere know I ought to do and maybe even want to do.
But I need a shot of courage, otherwise the right words never come.